I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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