Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
