I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
