Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize