Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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