i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
