I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
