2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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