i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
