I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
