Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
