Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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