Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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