I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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