i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
