I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
