Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
