Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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