Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
