if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
