i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
