no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
God, I missed his penis.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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