just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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