MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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