Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
