I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
