You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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