At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
