i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
this is an emotional support booty call
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
