last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
