i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
