I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
