mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
