I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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