he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We were destined to go to rehab together
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
this is an emotional support booty call
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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