Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
