I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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