while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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