Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
