Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
