Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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