he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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