A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
