well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Drake has all the answers
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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