my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
