DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
