Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
