You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
