my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
