If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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