Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
